Life through my eyes...
Ok a little lighthearted fun. I’ve spend an exuberant amount of time in my life fanning smoke out my windows, and trying to find that perfect air freshener combo to rid the burnt cookie smell out of my house. By no means am I a horrible cook, but there is something about the art of making cookies that evades me. I have tried and tried with no avail. A few months ago, I was introduced to the joy of cooking. It was something that I have seen in many kitchens, pages stained with the look of well use. I never gave myself the reward of buying it at my local book store. I always figured the cheap cook books or the Internet could be my wealth of information. Boy was I wrong!
Today after two weeks of cooking, I decided to try to bake. I strapped on my apron, vigor in my soul and grabbed the essentials. And by that I mean the book and a towel to fan out the smoke. I read the information at hand. Seemed like a pretty standard recipe. Flour, egg, unsalted butter, ect… so i wasn’t optimistic that this would turn out any better than my previous attempts. Task at hand, I set forth. After all the ingredients were whisked, beaten, mixed with tender care and with the utmost precision, the dough was ready to go into the oven. I set the timer for the lower end of the duration it needed to be cooked and waited diligently, oven mittens on, ready to grab whatever concoction came out of the oven.
When the timer went I practically tipped the chair over while running to the oven. I’ve made the mistake before of being just a few minutes past the buzzer. What laid before me as I opened the oven door was the most golden brown, perfectly symmetrical, cookies that looked like they had, well, just been cooked by Julia Childs. I was amazed. The smell in the house radiated perfection, as did the smile on my face. Holding my breath, I carefully set down the pan. Alas, there they were, the cookies of my dreams baked to perfection. One thought and one thought only passed through my head.. I CAN BAKE COOKIES!
It got me thinking about challenging myself. Why did I not keep baking until I completed the perfect cookies before. Today I will start challenging myself. Today is day one. Today I can bake cookies. I can complete tasks that seemed impossible. If I can bake cookies, maybe just maybe, I’ll be able to dive with sharks one day. Keep tuned…
Too often I take control. Grip the steering wheel tight, determined to not stray off course. Determined to get to my destination. And too often the car twists and turns itself through unknown territory, bound to go where it needed to go.Really I’m not all that sure how much control we have over our lives.
Why is it that after all this time, I still grit my teeth, hold on tight and try to re-direct where I need to be? It’s not like it’s ever made that much of a difference. In time the car always makes it back on the road and my life continues in the path I like it be on… Now maybe I do have this backwards. Maybe the car does go off course and it’s not that it get’s back on the track the way I like it, maybe it’s that In the end it’s not all that bumpy. I adjust, adapt and accept being my new direction. Either way over time it seems that wherever I need to go, I go, I arrive and then find a new point on the map and off I go again.
I guess that’s the amazing thing about being adaptable. It doesn’t matter which direction the car goes, you stop gritting your teeth, turn up the music and tap your fingers on the wheel. Singing along to whatever tune is playing at the moment.
It’s not something i’ve ever been good at, and may never be. But as long as my car is tuned, still has music and i can still see ahead of me, it will be ok. Everything in life works out in the end. Sometimes its a matter of not “white knuckling” the wheel but giving it time to let the road ahead smooth itself out. Difficult, I know. Yet neccessary to arrive at our destination.
♥This week has been a strong learning curve for me. I’ve had the chance to revisit things in my life that I never knew that I could face. Memories that took me years to supress, to block. I was faced with a very horrible life challenge that left not only me with scarred memories, but my family as well. I had let them down. For years I revisited frightful moments in my dreams, moments that when I awoke, left me soaked in sweat, confused and tears streaming down my face. I never told anyone the extent of what I was suffering, because I knew that I had caused my family more pain than could ever be felt by me. I was disgusted with myself for causing my family hurt and left them without trust in me. I could see on my fathers and mothers face that night the pain and dreams that were shattered. It was that day that I held on so tight to my own memories that I told myself forever they would live only within me. I deserved what emotions came with it. I never disccused anything about that night with anyone, never brought it up the extent of how it affected my life.
Years passed and those memories became blocked. Yes, my life did go on, but sometimes when I’d think of that night I’d shiver and believe that all bad things that had ever happened to me were deserved. It wasn’t until this week that I learned the power of letting go. I’ve always had a hard time letting go, wether it be relationships, friendships, material things, or memories that didn’t deserve a space in my mind. Maybe it was that yet again I was reviewing the fact that this past year I had lost relationships that did mean alot to me, and had the fleeting thought of the possibility because I had hurt my family I didn’t deserve to be happy. Or maybe it was that I now had my husband who I could confide in that I never wanted my son to live like I did, full of regret, resentment and low self esteem, blame himself for places that life has lead him wether good or bad.
This past week, I got to close the chapter on one bad part of my life. I finally put those feelings to rest. I decided that there will be no more blame to myself, no more regret, no more resentment for what I did to my family. Life leads us places that want to go and occasionaly places that we don’t. Sometimes it’s us to blame, other times it just a collaboration of happenings that cause a change of direction. We can control it to some extent, but it’s at the time when we feel like we have done our best, have given thought and emotion and still the path is leading us in a different direction than we want to to, that we need to take the time to close the book. Give in. Believe. Find a rainbow in the clouds and look ahead to where it possibly ends. STOP looking back, what has happened, happened. It will never go back, but life will always go forward. There is opporunities everywhere we look to find joy and stop the blame.
Events come and go in our lives, family, friends, boyfriends, strangers, animals, materialistic items, and most of us feel need to hold on to them. Sometimes it’s the holding on that’s the worst. Sometimes we just need to let go. It might surprise you, the sense of freedom, of emotional calmness that comes over you when you let go. I had it this week, with a few areas in my life, and I believe all of you can too. Just keep your head up, keep looking forward and keep moving on. You will find joy in other things, you will find peace and your life will go on. Letting go has been the best life lesson I have practiced thus far. It has given me hope again and allowed my mind to be freed from the cage it has been in for so many years. I am no longer a prisioner of my memories but a harvester of my moments and a believer in my dreams. ♥♥♥
This is dedicated to the most amazing people I know. The ones who make all the difference:
I’ve always looked up to my family. Each and everyone of them has beautiful talents. My dad is an accountant and his math skills and calmness amaze me. My mother, it’s her dedication to work and analytical mind. My sister, her creativity and optomism. My brother-in-law his financial sense and hands on skills. My nephew Adam, his strength and determination. My niece her creativity and caring nature. My husband his humor, optimism and his ability to see the best in everyone. My son his attention to detail, and memory. My grandfather his sense of accomplishment, humbleness and faith. My grandmother, her ability to give to others and never expect anything in return, and of course her amazing social skills. My Aunt M. her enthusiasm for educating and taking care of others and for raising beautiful, smart and loving children. My uncle T. for he has amazing capabilities to carry his family through good and bad times, as well as his ability to learn and never be scared of new career areas or investments. Ty, my cousin for teaching me first what it’s like to grow, learn and care for another human being as much as myself (as well as what it’s like to be a teenager in the 21st century!) Cody, for his quietness and ability to show responsibility at such a young age. Carson, for his curiosity, and strength! My auntie J. for showing me responsibility as a new young adult, and for teaching me to be financially responsible (and maybe to have the occasional hope in the lotto 6/49!)
We’ve carried each other through hardship, laughter, love, and tears. I don’t think that it comes from each individual but how we are as a whole. The list above is just a list until you look deeper and understand that each of us has had a great contribution to the whole. It’s that each has different talents, each has their own personality and each helps each other in different ways. Now if you asked my family to do this exercise, I am sure, that their list would define each others talents in a different manner, but each would be different and therefore contributing a little piece of the puzzle.
Often we can be miles apart but it will never matter. It’s like the old puzzles that me and grandma used to pull out. We each sit and add piece to piece and it all comes together. The same picture as before. All together, all perfect, all whole. Some of you may be asking, with my grandmother gone how can the puzzle be whole. Here is my answer: it’s not the piece that matters but it’s picture and it’s contribution to the whole. You can look at a puzzle missing a piece and you know that it’s missing, but you still get the picture. You still, can understand the whole.
That is my family. Maybe a missing piece right now, but the picture my grandmother painted will still be there. We just need to put all the pieces together.
Today was my child’s birthday. He’s two now. This past year seems like it’s gone so fast, like the time just melted away between my fingers. Left in it’s place is this charming young, independent little man. Who I might add, now has a buzz cut. He’s strong willed, courageous, smart and a wonderful charmer. He can look at you with his big brown eyes and you’ll know in a moment if he’s being sad, mischevious or loving. I’m not sure where the time is gone. Easily, I can remember that first night in the hospital, with his father on the cot beside me, listening to his tiny little wimpers when he got hungry in the night. Now when he needs to eat, he just asks for it. With words. And, help us all, if it’s not something he desires, he can now protest.
I think about how quickly life passes before our eyes. It makes me sad to think, there are moments that will be impossible to live over. Impossible to capture with a camera. Feelings that no amount of description can describe. It’s in memories that these moments will live out only. It’s sad, but also brings feelings of accomplishment, of love and of happiness. Most of these memories over time, I expect, will be more of fleeting moments. Like lots of the times my grandmother and I shared. She’s passed on now, but in my memories she and I will live. Fleeting moments because there are just too many to store.
Life is so precious. We only have one. When I think of all the things that I’ve done, some I regret, some of I am proud, I mostly think of how these moments have changed my life. Each and every moment in time is one that we will never get back. Something that only you can have, where in only your memories it will stay. Live each moment as if you want to store it forever. Keep each of these moments close to your heart. Even if in time they become small glimpses in your mind, it will be these glimpses that contain the innermost deep sensations that will carry us through this life. Moments may never nurture your body, but they do the soul. Life is precious, cherish it like your first sip of milk.
Sometimes words are just not enough. Sometimes in life it’s the actions that really matter. Words are just that. Words. I find that too often my life may be defined about the “things” that I acquire and not by what I give. The places I go, the people I’m with, the things that I am surrounded with. When I look at my life I think that maybe, just maybe it’s backwards.
The other day when I was at church, as the collection plates were passed, I put my usual $5.00 in the plate. It’s not much in comparison of what I could be giving. So why do I feel the need to hold on tightly to the things that will not bring me far in life. What pleasure do I get from giving that $5.00 instead of handing over a few hundred. I know where it’s going, I know what it’s going to do. I know that I would feel so much better just giving more. Yet when theose opportunities arise, I pass them up.
I walked by the Operation Christmas child boxes this year, I passed up an opportunity to support a needy child. Why? At what point does our lives start to become more self centered compared to when we were toddlers trying to make everyone laugh, hug everyone when they needed a hug, cry ourselves when we knew we had hurt someone. I don’t have an answer to this. I don’t know at what point my life changed. I do know that there is something that I can do about it. Something that will make me feel better and hopefully make the world a bit brighter.
One time at a Tim Horton’s drive through, I was waiting impatiently behind a white van to pay for my large black coffee and sandwich. I was in no hurry, the weather was a little poor and I was a little tired, but that’s it. I could see her picking through change to get just enough money. Finally, now that I was frusterated, red in the ears, hungry and sighing, I got to the window, card in hand prepared to pay and not hold anyone else back. Not like that lady. And as I went to hand over my card, the lady in the window politely informed me that the lady ahead of me paid for my coffee and sandwich .
I felt bad in that moment and sad in how I acted. I thought of her picking through her change, just to make a difference in my life. Just to be kind. I ended up paying for the truck behind me. It wasn’t much, a few coffee’s and a timbits, but it made me feel like I was contributing to that little bit of kindness that I had just been a part of. I often wonder how long that went on. Did it end with just that truck, or like myself did she pay for the vehicle behind her? It’s an answer that I may never know.
Maybe that woman had millions, maybe she was dirt poor, maybe she was just the average person on her way home, but whoever she was, she can be assured of one thing, her actions have not and never will be forgotten. One moment in time for her, and a life lesson for me.
We all can be that lady, but will we all take the opportunity?
I’m not going to share on here what changes I hope to make, because I want everyone to look at this and let others feel the need to change whatever comes to them. What comes to their mind. How can you give? Can you stop, look around and make that first move? It doesn’t have to be about money. It doesn’t have to be about time. It can be a small change that no-one may even notice. It’s a change that no words can describe, a change that can start with you.
I think that friendship is an integral part of life. But what really is friendship, how can it be defined? Over the years I’ve had friends come and go but a few remain constant. I always wondered what made these friends so special to me that over the years no amount of distance or arguments could split us apart. It’s like when your a child, that blankie that you had. Always there when you needed something to hold on to. Something comforting, something safe. Friendship to me is like that blanket, warm, safe and comforting.
But what really does define a “friend” to me? It’s difficult to really figure out the definition of a friend, so bare with me as I try. A friend to me is someone who, in spite of every obstacle, happy moment or sad day, desires only what is best for the other person. Someone who is honest, even if it means telling the other person something that they may not want to hear, and someone who will always do “the little things” that matter so much. Like picking up the phone to see how you are, leaving cards on your car when you’ve been sad and down, sending flowers in the times when a little color makes the world of difference, taking the time to drive hours just for a 10 min visit in the hospital after you’ve had your child, answering the door at 2 in the morning after you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, someone that will make you laugh so hard you really feel like your going to pee your pants, someone to mentor and guide you as you start your journey as a new mother and lastly someone that accepts you for who you are even though occasionally you know sometimes they shouldn’t.
Today I got to spend a great day with 3 friends that really do mean so much to me. The ones that I may not see everyday, but hold close to my heart. Each has their own personalities, own stages in life, and own intricacies, (including myself) and yet we all sat there talking about life, love, hard and good times We mesh, even though we shouldn’t, and that is what friendship is all about.
I wrote this blog because too often I forget to tell my friends just how much they mean to me. How each and every one of them has made an impact on my life in a positive manner. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who provide me with the blanket I love so much.
Love you all! 
Hope puzzles me. Some people can face lifes greatest challenges and still maintain it. I don’t understand. Maybe it’s that I am more of a “realist”. Then again, life is really all that I percieve it as. So maybe it’s not that they maintain hope but actually that they live a hopeful life. It’s become a part of them. So intricate and deep that it’s ingrained in all they do.
Sometimes I feel as though I need to reach for hope, like it’s just out of my grasp. Occasionally I’ll get a pinch, but I always doubt I’ll be able to hold on to it and retract. In history it’s some of lifes greatest achievers that had hope. Captain Cook, Einstein, Martin Luther King, Mme. Curie, Helen Keller, President Obama. They all lived a life of hope, of determination. Look what they have accomplished. From travelling the seas to ending slavery to being the first african american president. And what it all started with, was hope. Hope for the future, hope in other people, hope in themselves.
What can I do? Tommorow I am going to wake up and simply hope for a good day. Maybe I’ll face a day of adversity, maybe a day of fun, or maybe a day of normalacy. But in the end it is a day that I hoped for, a day that came, went and one that I had faith in. If hope can carry some of earths greatest people into history, it can also carry me.
Heather
